


Incense

by grownupgeekgirl



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-06 23:05:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16842271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grownupgeekgirl/pseuds/grownupgeekgirl
Summary: Caleb needs incense, and the Mighty Nein knows it.(Thanks to YourSpinsterAunt for the prompts!)





	Incense

**Author's Note:**

  * For [YourSpinsterAunt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourSpinsterAunt/gifts).



Caleb felt twitchy. Not nervous, but close. He was constantly aware of dwindling supplies, and all this _nonsense_ with pirates and oceans and having an octopus for a familiar... He didn't regret letting Beau have an owl for a few days, but he just couldn't afford the cost.

Nott noticed Caleb was jumpy. She noticed almost everything. He was _her boy_ , after all. One night, as the Squalleater limped away from Darktow, as she surreptitiously watched him obsessively count through his supplies, she noticed how carefully he handled the incense. Like it was more precious than all the gems and gold and treasures combined. More precious than his books. Clearly, Nott decided, Caleb needed incense. Caleb would always need incense.

In their next port, not one inhabited by pirates, Caleb went in search of a supply shop, and Jester moved toward the temple district. Nott discreetly separated herself from Caleb and followed Jester.

Nott was just going to sneak in after Jester and nick some incense while Jester did her stuff. But Jester, somehow, saw her. Too many months playing Nott's mark, she thought.

"There's lots of good stuff in temples. Things like holy books, and statues, and priests, and candles, and water, and seats, and - "

"Incense." Nott cut Jester off gently. "Incense would be good. And maybe some shiny rocks." She grinned slyly at Jester. "Do you think that statue up there needs improvement?"

Jester giggled, and they began plotting. 5 minutes later, the proudly heroic paladin of the Sun God had a big black mustache, painted on spectacles, and bright orange hair. His standard on his shield now featured a giant dick, too. And Nott had handfuls of incense.

Fjord had gone to deal with repairs and resupply for the Squalleater. He found himself in a general resupply depot, a series of shops right on the docks that carried necessary supplies for sailors, including those things wizards needed. Fjord figured the only store that carried diamonds AND bat guano would probably have the right kind of incense.

He approached the counter, and asked the young sales clerk about incense. But the tabaxi kid spoke some weird lingo Fjord hadn't ever heard before, and, try as he might, he just wasn't sure they really followed what he was saying. They gave him some incense that kinda looked like what Caleb used. Fjord figured Caleb'd know what to do.

Beau went to find her Expositor contacts...and maybe a little mayhem, too. The trip had been pretty quiet, and she was feeling tight. Not anxious, but needing a good workout, and if she couldn't find a legit one, she'd find a...less conventional one. The Cobalt Soul reps were all bookish types, the kind she'd first been apprenticed to, and she couldn't get out of there fast enough. Clearly, she was going to have to blow off steam on her own. She wandered to the biggest market square she could find. She grabbed a beer and posted up in a corner, watching and listening. After a while, she overheard an argument over prices. Not haggling, no. A very quiet, trying-to-be-discreet, argument. That was definitely interesting. She got herself another beer and moved to a table with more shade, that was incidentally closer to the argument.

"This is _magical_ incense, sir! Not for religious purpose, or to sweeten your home to woo a lady, but for magical works! This alone justifies the price!" The red tiefling smiled charmingly, using all the persuasion skills that Beau wished she had.

"It's inferior product! It's not worth the half the price you're asking, you silly woman! I can't summon any being wih this! You're obviously too ignorant to understand my simple request!" The pretentious, over-dressed, smarmy jackass glared down his nose at the vendor, even though he was considerably shorter than the vendor.

"It is not for summoning! Do you not know the different forms of magic incense uses? No, sir, no, perhaps I should not sell it to you." Even as she said that, the tiefling exuded effortless charm, though this time it was edged with warning. Beau liked this lady.

The asshole started to get aggressive, pushing his way into the tiefling's physical space while making a grab for the incense. Beau made her choice then - thinking things through still wasn't really her strong suit. She jumped the guy just as the tiefling defended herself. In the resulting melee, Beau got a couple of shots in on the asshole, and possibly one on the tiefling, and the tieling definitely got her a few times. Beau had almost decided not to tell her when the watch showed up. Since the jackass was unconscious, it was their word against his.

"Uhhhhhhhhh, we were...negotiating? For the incense?" Beau started. The guardsman looked skeptical. "Look, I was negotiating a _different kind of payment_ when this guy jumped in and got pushy." The tiefling glared at the guardsman.

"Yes. The lady and I had come to an agreement for a _non-traditional_ payment when this fellow" - she nudged the jackass with her foot - "decided he wanted that special payment method, too, when everyone in town KNOWS it would not be available for men."

The guardsmen coughed, blushed, and picked up the jackass for medical treatment. They hurriedly left as the tiefling leaned over and whispered, "My name is Valeria. I keep rooms in that red building over there. I'll be there tonight, if you'd like to...pay for that incense." The tiefling winked and went back to her stall. Beau noted the building for future reference. She'd be back after dark.

That night, Caleb came back from the shop with enough incense for one use. Nott and Jester gave him the temple incense as the group gathered for their nightly debrief, as Fjord called it.

As Caleb tried to pry the story out of them, Fjord came in with his bundle of incense. Caleb noticed it was different in an odd way, and after 10 minutes, realized Frumpkin would be a slow moving beast that hung from branches and ropes - a good choice for a ship based wizard, but not for him.

Beau came in and smugly tossed him a bundle of incense. She told the story of how she charmed a tiefling into giving up the incense, and how she had to go, because she had another date with the tiefling tonight.

Caduceus looked at Beau intently, and then laughed. "Well, at least most of you enjoyed the process. But, Caleb," he pulled a packet of incense out of one of his many pockets, "will this do?"


End file.
